HEY IT’S TIME FOR WARWICK BOULEVARD ALL UP IN THIS, BITCHES!
Man, I can’t wait for all the dope phats we’re gonna be launching in every direction!
Man, I can’t wait for that herpes test to come back TOTALLY POSITIVE so I can be all up in my mom’s face like: YO MOM!
Um…so…
Yes?
I don’t know where we go from, well, that…
Let’s, like, peep this travel agency. I bet we get down hardcore all over whatever a travel agency is! Is that where you get, like, brochures and shit?
It totally is, dude! To like…places and shit!
Places like my MOM’S HOUSE?!
Yeah, look, we need to have a talk about your future in this business…
Henrietta: Well, here’s the only travel agency within train-distance of our walk-up refrigerator box. But it’s completely on fire.
Henry: Maybe that’s the thing. The hook. The gimmick.
Henrietta: No, I’m pretty sure that it’s just completely on fire.
Henry: Yeah, but I see a guy in there. He’s just sitting at his desk.
Henrietta: Now he’s waving at us…
Henry: Aw shit, he’s coming out here! Quick, hide in all this horrible garbage!
Henrietta: But! But! But! But! My precious MOON dress!
Henry: Your precious MOON dress! has had worse stains. If you get what I mean. If you understand what I’m driving at. If you fully comprehend the gist of what it is I’m attempting to convey.
Henrietta: Oh lord, I just realized that we’re a married couple named Henry and Henrietta. We deserve to die in the worst possible way…
Travel Agent: Hey there, garbage dwellers! Are you interesting in seeing the world?
Henry: Yes. Yes I goddamn do. I want to see the world, and the world wants to see me. Goddammit! That’s what needs to happen! I need to travel. See the sights! Smell the smells! Hear the carpeting! Taste the fear! Get me two tickets on a runaway train to Nowheresville, daddio! Make me believe in love and freedom and that I’m in some heinously pretentious jeans ad!
Henrietta: But the agency is on fire.
Travel Agent: Oh, but that’s just our thing-hook-gimmick. See, it says, “Wanna get away?” and you do. You do wanna get away. Because the building is on fire. Do you have any idea how much burn medication I go through a week? We’re talking gallons, people. Gallons of salve. And I thought “salve” was a made-up word until I received 2nd Degree burns over my entire body, including my eyelids. Salve. Say “salve.”
Henrietta: Salve.
Travel Agent: *pulls out a giant musket and aims it at Henry’s head* Say “salve” or I will make your head travel in advance of the rest of you.
Henry: SALVE! SWEET BABY SALVE! OH YES, I FEEL IT GO THROUGH ME! I HAVE SEEN THE FUTURE!
Travel Agent: Well, shit, don’t get carried away there, it’s only salve.
Henrietta: You smell very nice.
Henry: Yes, like a forest. A forest of crispy bacon.
Travel Agent: I pray for death like a thousand times a day. The only thing that gets me through? “Stronger” by Kelly Clarkson. That shit is my jam!
Henrietta: I’m completely deaf.
Travel Agent: But you just…
Henrietta: I read lips. Also, I can peer deep into your soul.
Travel Agent: Radical! What do you see?
Henrietta began lurching violently, as though a thousand mildly annoyed locomotives were chewing on her limbs. Henry shed a single tear, then snapped her neck, ending her life.
Travel Agent: I was afraid of that. My condolences. Were you two married long?
Henry: No, she was a figment of my imagination.
Travel Agent: Oh, well that improves the outlook.
Henry: She wasn’t even a she.
Travel Agent: That’s fine. I’m a tolerant sort.
Henry: I’m not even a he.
Travel Agent: Hey man, cool with me, as long as I still got the rhythm. And the funk.
Henrietta: Oh look, the flames went out! What does it mean?
Travel Agent: *blows his own head off with the musket, and his headless body dances an elaborate jig before hurling itself over a cliff*
Henrietta: Well, good thing I found this band in the garbage to back me up for my big musical number! Let’s rock this mother down to its foundations, boys!
