Another orbit of the sun is complete, so I thought I’d take a moment to bask in my own monumental greatness. Damn, I’m good. I mean, damn. Did you know the World’s Most Interesting Man once gave me a piggy-back ride? Did you know that when I visited President Obama, he stayed at the Hilton so I could roam freely (and nude) through the White House? Did you know that the Pope stepped down because I told him he looked stupid in that hat? Did you know I can do that same time-reverse trick that Superman pulled in the movie, except mine doesn’t look ridiculous? I’m pretty awesome. Just look at this amazing photo of how amazing I am:

See, that’s a dude that’s got his shit together. That’s a dude that’s going places.

Anyway, you’re welcome that I have chosen to keep gracing your realm with my magnificence. I take tribute in form of cash or attractive daughters of legal age. Cash can be mailed, but I’d prefer you bring the daughters in person, as the whole delivery thing seems to go awry in one way or another. Air holes, people! It’s just common sense.

To celebrate my 31 years, I have posted 31 pictures of hot women on The Green Road. If you’ve never visited my tumblr before, now is an opportune time to dip your toe in! And, as part of an old Halls of Hysteria tradition, I present myself a birthday cake older than the stars: