Wha…what the hell? Where am I? Why is there a huge pile of…oh no. No! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Goddamn it all to hell! That’s the last time I let anyone buy me a McRoofie! And there doesn’t even seem to be a door to this room. Perhaps there’s an answer in this…ugh…pile of mail…
You should do a feature on your blog where you talk about your favorite movies or TV shows or whatever because we so desperately want to know more about you. I mean, you’re just about the most interesting and dynamic person ever. I gotta wrap this up because there’s a yawn building up here that I need to stifle the fuck out of, but please mistake my sarcasm for earnestness because that would be hilarious.
I really need to get a better publicist. Or A publicist. Or maybe just someone to screen this mail for me. Anyway, there is very little worse than an obsolete SquidRaptor. Ask anyone! Only the latest, most cutting-edge SquidRaptors will do. I even hear that the 2013 models have tact. So while I will NOT mistake your sarcasm for anything else, I WILL take your suggestion and run with it just to spite your so-two-years-ago ass. I’ll even include the tagline: “Sponsored By SquidRaptor2011” AND I WILL TELL EVERYONE IT WAS YOUR IDEA. I hope that yawn burst your trachea.
Rhoades to Madness –
Your new fish Phèdre is quite lovely! But I couldn’t help noticing she didn’t have an intricate backstory like Septimus did. What gives?
Well, thank you! Phèdre does appreciate the compliment. And she does have an intricate backstory, littered with the supine, willing forms of lovers both male and female. But she’s trying to put her bawdy, lusty, sweaty past behind her as she focuses on her new career as a clothing designer and fashion consultant.
Well, that one was certainly distilled down to its essence. I listen to a lot of different stuff. Most recently, I’ve been listening to a lot of A Fine Frenzy, The Joy Formidable, and The Black Keys. A couple of my favorite bands are Cake and The Decemberists. But seriously, my tastes range from Johnny Cash to J-Pop. I’d write more about music here, but I honestly have no clue how to do so. It’d be me posting an album cover and then writing “I like this.” But I am looking for some new stuff to get into, so all of you feel free to fire me some recommendations! (And if anyone has Bess Rogers’ “Touch My Booty,” please send it my way!)
You aren’t seriously doing a Tommy Wiseau/Shockwave team-up like you did with MacGyver and Magnum are you? Please say you aren’t. Even if it’s a lie.
Agent of Decency
Okay. I aren’t. It certainly aren’t starting on Monday. And it aren’t gonna be the most incredible thing you’ve ever peeped through your eyeballs. Because it aren’t happening at all. I’d recommend you ignore the following image, however.
Okay, so it turns out there’s a trapdoor under this pile of mail, so let’s hope it leads somewhere pleasant. See ya on the flip side, jackholes!