You know, I believed the Mayans.
I believed the Mayans when they told me I’d have excellent crops four years ago. (I did! Those fucking cantaloupes were the BOMB, yo!) I believed them when they told me I should be on the lookout for new opportunities. (I should!) I believed them when they said that “Happiness is found within one’s self.” (Because that shit is true!) I believed them when they said that my lucky numbers were 4, 17, 25, 49, and 86. (Because, hey, why not, right?) And yes, I even believed them when they said it was the end of the world. (Okay, I really didn’t. Because that’s just stupid.)
But here we are. Really. We’re here. Our absence is conspicuously absent. Nothing exploded or was vaporized or transcended to some extra-mortal plane. We’re all still here, watching our Twitter feeds, waiting for news of Taylor Swift’s latest break-up.
Okay, there it is.
Anyway, we’re not all dead or running from zombies or kneeling before Zod/Xenu/the cleverest parrot, so this can only means the Mayans have not only let us down…they have betrayed us. And by “us”, I mean “me”. Because, let’s be honest here: no one is reading this. And not because the world ended, but because no one ever has before. I certainly don’t see why anyone would start now.
So the Mayans earned our trust and then took a big, drippy, Central American dump all over it. So what? We didn’t need them anyway. Particularly because they’re dead! They couldn’t even predict their own deaths, so they’re nothing but a bunch of stupid, fat, mean uglyheads. When it comes right down to it, we’ve been prophesying our own doom for years before the Mayans showed up, and we’ll continue to be awesome at it now that the Mayans have packed up their dumb calendar and skipped town.
For example, did you know that the Assyrians predict the world will end in 2024 when someone crashes a “Cadillac Earthborer” into the core of the Earth and sets off a chain reaction that destroys half the solar system?
Or perhaps you know that in the year 3535, we’ll run out of pills that tell us what to think, do, and say?
And have you ever read the Prophecies of Cornel, wherein we are all turned into cotton candy by space-going clowns in the year 2367?
As you can see, the Mayans were just chumps in the grand scheme of things. We’ve got this apocalypse shit locked down. We never needed them. Just like…just like…like…
they didn’t need us…