No, not that season. Or that season.
It is, in fact, the holiday season, plain enough for anyone not in a coma to figure out. But more specifically it is that dreadful time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s where any poor bastard unfortunate enough to work in retail or grocery will have to suffer through their shifts all month long being assaulted by…ugh…Christmas Music.
Now before I come off too much like Scrooge, I just want to say that there really isn’t anything wrong with Christmas Music. Given the right mood and the right songs, it might be just the thing to get you into the holiday spirit. But like all things in life, it is best in fucking moderation. This is where Christmas Music morphs from light-hearted fare to soul-crushing dirge: listening to nothing other than ten different versions of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, or White Christmas, or *shudder* five covers of Wham!’s abominable Last Christmas. There should have been a war crimes tribunal when that horrid pile was dumped on the world. Of course, the true monsters are the ones who insist on covering it, like it wasn’t ear-stabbing enough the first go-round. Taylor Swift should have more constructive things to do…like burn down an orphanage or something.
More than any other holiday, Christmas is promoted and pushed and shoved and tattooed on our very minds. The Right claims there’s a War On Christmas, but if there is…Christmas dropped the first bombs. Some retailers start putting up yuletide decorations before even Halloween, and now big chains like Wal-Mart, Sears, and Target are even usurping Thanksgiving to get a jump-start on Black Friday sales. I guess this could easily turn into an essay about the commercialization of blah blah blah…but let’s face it, most of our holidays were hijacked by department stores and greeting card companies decades ago.
The real problem is that a lot of these companies in their infinite, greedy wisdom believe that we might somehow forget that Christmas is bearing down upon us and feel that blasting that shitty music all day every day from Black Friday to Silent Night is the only way to remind everyone that they should almost certainly be buying things. And while that may be fine and dandy for the average person who spends 20 or 30 minutes shopping in a given store, it is sheer torture for those of us stuck working an eight-hour shift wherein we might actually hear that creepy version of Santa Baby where the guy sings it…more than once. And no one deserves that.
Not even Wham!.
This year…to save me from tears…I’ll give it to someone special…
Okay, forget that. Wham! richly deserves whatever horrors can be visited upon them…