Tonight on KRTM Channel 26 Action Eyewitness eXtreme News…
- Everyone you know secretly hates you. We’ll tell you why!
- Robots. What the hell is up with them?
- A fuzzy kitten savages a family of six and is now in a tense stand-off with local police…
And now, from 1979, here’s Chris Berman.
“Today’s top story eschews all rational thought or consideration to ratings or our demographics, which I’m being told is that one guy that shops at your favorite grocery store. You know, the guy with the boonie hat and the cane who always corners someone and starts rambling about quantum theory or homosexuality or fucking…I don’t know…Chaucer or some shit. He’s our demographic. Hi there, Crazypants!
Our top story comes from a small, cluttered room near Valley Forge, PA, where an underpaid researcher has stumbled onto evidence that George Washington did NOT single-handedly defeat the Japanese at the Battle of Gettysburg as was previously thought. We now go to our very own Chinese reporter, acquired in a trade with Atlanta for a third-string power forward and a back-up kicker with hysterical blindness. Chyou?”
Chyou Da-Xia: “Thank you, Chris. The situation here is very fluid, as the timid, almost chipmunk-like researcher has barricaded himself inside what I’ve been told is something called a library. A library is a small, insignificant building where equally-unimportant objects called books are held. Possibly to ensure the safety of the population around…oh wait…something is happening. YOU ARE WATCHING THIS LIVE ON KRTM CHANNEL 6 NEWS! I am a minority reporting it! This is a big deal. Okay, so it looks like that one guy, Chipmunk Guy, has emerged from what I will now call a ‘book-hole.’ Let’s see what he has to say for himself. HEY DUMBASS! WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO DESTROY HISTORY?!
Chipmunk Guy: “I am not trying to destroy history. I am trying to save it. George Washington wasn’t even at the Battle of Gettysburg. And he certainly wasn’t a gestalt entity created from the bodies of five fearsome animal predators. This is…”
Chyou Da-Xia: “Why don’t you answer the question that I said to your face?! Don’t you think you owe an explanation to the American public as to why you’re making George Washington sound like a huge pussy?”
Chipmunk Guy: “I…I…don’t know how to respond to that. George Washington wasn’t a pussy! In fact…I AM ASIAN GEORGE WASHINGTON! Feel my terrible sting!”
Chyou Di-Xia: *picks herself up off the ground* “This changes EVERYTHING. Never before in the course of human history has something so significant been reported on the nightly local news. Also: I am bleeding from my face. Back to you, Chris.”
“Thanks a lot, Chydoxyla…Chidoxaxa…Chardaxia…hey, you know what, fuck you. My name is CHRIS. It is a fine name, a name that I can PRONOUNCE because I was BORN with it and have been saying it for practically all my existence. Man, am I ever a pimp. Like, a mega-pimp. I’m the pimpenest pimp that ever pimpifyed a pimphouse in pimp-winter. And no, folks, I’m not going off on a crazy rant here…this is actually what’s on the teleprompter. There’s about 20 more sentences scrolling by that are composed entirely of variations on the word pimp. I think this is what going insane feels like.”
Joe Namath: “Let me kiss you. I just want to kiss you.”
“Dammit, Joe Namath! For the last time, no means no!”
Joe Namath: “I neeeeeed your loooooovvve!”
“You have left me no choice: Htaman Eoj!”
Joe Namath: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”
“A recent study has shown that babies are 10 times more likely to grow toes on their face if the mother listened to nothing but Diamond Dave while pregnant. The women that participated in the study were all given a shovel and sent into a minefield on a scavenger hunt for their dignity and a large cache of banana-flavored Twinkies. Scientific method was all up in that shit. When reached for comment, David Lee Roth burst into a flock of colorful parrots and carried the Mayor of Eugene, Oregon off to his private sex dungeon. After a month of near-constant mating, the resultant offspring refused to comment.”
Elemental Flame Being: “It is time, Chris of Berman.”
“Time for what?”
Elemental Flame Being: “It is TIME.”
“Stop being so damn cryptic! I’ve done what you asked! I’ve followed your instructions to the letter! I even made your niece cupcakes, and she did NOT thank me. So give me a straight answer. Just this once.”
Elemental Flame Being: “And boom goes the dynamite.”
CHRIS BERMAN WAS NEVER SEEN OR HEARD FROM AGAIN
OR WAS HE?
NO, NO HE WASN’T