LAST TIME ON
MacGyver: I’m black and sassy and a WHOLE lotta woman!
18-MINUTE MONTAGE OF MACY’S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADES FROM THE LAST 25 YEARS
Magnum: This man will die if we can’t cure his lupus and replace all his blood with liquid styrofoam!
CLIP FROM PETER GABRIEL’S SLEDGEHAMMER VIDEO
MacGyver: I’m leaving Sterling Cooper Draper Holloway MacGyver Thundercat & Sons & Co.
REBECCA BLACK’S “FRIDAY” COVERED BY SIX DRAG QUEENS DRESSED AS LINDSAY LOHAN
Magnum: Let’s go out there and just be ourselves!
AND NOW THE EPIC GODDAMNED CONCLUSION
MacGyver and Magnum hang upside down from a tree. Both are completely nude. Huge 1960s-era robots are poking them with shovels. Geordi LaForge butchers “Smells Like Teen Spirit” on the mandolin nearby.
Magnum: Okay, this is starting to look more and more like a trap.
MacGyver: Brother, you ain’t a-kiddin’.
Magnum: So, have you got any duct tape or rubber bands or hydrogen peroxide stashed away to get us out of this mess?
MacGyver: I’m naked.
Magnum: Yeah, but surely you’ve got a little sundries bag stuffed in your ass.
Magnum: You don’t? You don’t have a little sundries bag with some spare ammo, condoms, and a mustache comb stuffed in your ass just for emergencies?
MacGyver: I can easily say that I’ve never stuffed anything in my ass.
Magnum: Well, you might not have, but I did while you were passed out the other day in that orgy we were in.
Magnum: Oh, calm down. That sundries bag in your ass is gonna get us out of this.
MacGyver: I hate you. I hate you, and I hate that you keep saying “sundries.”
Magnum: Just reach in there and pull out those sundries, man…and we’re home free!
FIVE MINUTES LATER
MacGyver is pulling on his boots after freeing Magnum, dismantling and reassembling the robots into a fully-functioning replica of a 1936 Cord Coupe, and reprogramming Geordi’s visor so he can lead them to the murderer and will stop playing the mandolin. Magnum is combing his mustache.
MacGyver: That…has been in my ass.
Magnum: It was in a bag. The bag was in your ass. Besides, this mustache isn’t going to comb itself.
LaForge: I’m thinking about growing a beard.
Magnum: What’s his deal?
MacGyver: Oh, he’s blind.
Magnum: And he’s going to lead us to the woman that killed Higgins and Pete.
LaForge: The numbers say it’s even money. It’s no better than turning it over to the computer, but no worse either. But I say forget the numbers! There’s no way the computer can compensate for the human factor, the, the intuition, the experience.
MacGyver: That, and I think he might be just slightly brain-damaged. I did shove an awful lot of paper clips in that visor of his…
LaForge: Well, as I recall, she walked around for two months with a piece of tuna in her blouse.
Magnum: Kinky. Okay, mustache combed. Let’s hit the road and curb-stomp some fairy ass!
They all hop in the Cord and start driving, MacGyver carefully listening to a series of beeps Geordi’s visor makes as they go. Magnum checks his sidearm and looks over at MacGyver.
Magnum: Did you see the sunrise?
MacGyver: What has that got to do with anything?
Magnum: Just answer the question.
MacGyver: No. No, Magnum. I did not see the sunrise.
Magnum: *takes his hand off his pistol* Oh. Good.
MacGyver: Were you about to shoot me?
Magnum: No! Of course not. That’s…that’s ridiculous. You’re paranoid. Paranoid as all get-out.
MacGyver: If I had said “yes,” you would have shot me!
Magnum: Look, man, you didn’t, and I didn’t, so let’s just move on. When is Black Mr. Magoo here gonna lead us where we need to go?
Geordi LaForge suddenly stands straight up and jerkily points over to the left. The Tooth Fairy mutters a curse and takes off, flying in a haphazard pattern in the general direction of a bizarre-looking city on the horizon.
LaForge: Are you saying I’m some blind ghost with clothes?!
MacGyver: Jackpot. If I can get us close enough, can you shoot her down, Magnum?
Magnum: *chambers a round* This flight is cancelled.
MacGyver: Please return your tray tables and seatbacks to their fully upright and locked positions.
LaForge: You just spent the entire night arguing grand unification theories with Albert Einstein!
Magnum stands up in the speeding Cord and takes careful aim, but before he can squeeze the trigger, the Tooth Fairy wheels around and pulls out a double-barreled shotgun.
Tooth Fairy: You primitive screwheads listen up! This is my…TOOTH-STICK!
A shotgun blast of thousands of razor-sharp baby teeth rip into the Cord, tearing it to shreds. MacGyver and Magnum are thrown from the car while LaForge dies where he sits.
LaForge: Leak? I’m not detecting any leaaaaaa…
Tooth Fairy: End of the road, bitches. I was told to keep you alive until now, but my patience has run out just like your lives are about to.
MacGyver: Why…why did you lead us here? Why did you kill our friends?
Tooth Fairy: Honestly? I didn’t. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m a psychopathic bitch who would have loved to kill your friends, but Pete Thornton and Jonathan Quayle Higgins III did not die by my hands.
Magnum: I’ve got a better question. Did you see the sunrise?
Tooth Fairy: Are you retarded? I’m the goddamned Tooth Fairy. I’ve seen every fucking sunrise!
Magnum, though badly wounded, has his pistol up before the Tooth Fairy can blink, putting a bullet in each eye. She drops to the ground and shatters into a million teeth.
MacGyver: Well…that was…certainly something. What is the deal with you and sunrises?
Magnum: I’d prefer not to talk about it. Besides, we’ve got more important questions. Like where the hell we are.
MacGyver: If I had to guess…I’d say that sign might give us some clue.
Magnum: That…is not as helpful as I would have hoped.
MacGyver: Hey, man, it’s a start. And we’ve all got to start somewhere.
Magnum: Yeah, but where will it lead, MacGyver?
MacGyver: Where every road around here leads, Magnum. To madness…
Pete: Do you think it was a mistake faking our deaths so we could run off together and make passionate love to each other on a bed of Robin Masters’s money?
Higgins: Shut your mouth and get that sweet ass back to bed, love.
Sam: How come I haven’t leaped, Al? You and Ziggy said that I’d leap once the Tooth Fairy died! What’s gone wrong? Al? Al!!!
Al: I don’t…I don’t know, Sam. Ziggy’s just…Ziggy’s flipped out. I can’t make heads or tails of any of this. I don’t understand where or when you are. Hell, Sam…I’m not even sure I know where and when I am…
Sam: Is it the Evil Leaper? Is she back? The last time she…
Al: Sam, I have no clue. But I’ve got a feeling by the time this is all over, we’re gonna wish it was just the Evil Leaper.
Sam: Oh boy…