LAST TIME ON
Magnum: Pete and Higgins have been brutally murdered! We have to hunt down their murderers!
RANDOM FOOTAGE FROM AN EPISODE THREE SEASONS AGO OF MACGYVER EATING A SANDWICH
MacGyver: Dammit, Magnum, they’re getting away!
STOCK FOOTAGE OF WRIGHT BROTHERS FLYING AEROPLANE
Magnum: This won’t end well for you, Galtieri! The Falklands are ours!
STILL IMAGE OF A SAD MAN HOLDING A ROTTEN BANANA
MacGyver: If I’m reading this braille correctly…we only have 28 seconds to live!
AND NOW THE CONTINUATION
MacGyver and Magnum prowl through the labyrinthine international headquarters of Save the Manatee, hunting for their friends’ killer. MacGyver is still holding a giant missile over his shoulder. Magnum is holding a severed henchman arm.
Magnum: I’m telling you, Mac, it’s my constitutional right to…
MacGyver: If you are about to make that stupid joke again, I am going to have you eat this missile.
Magnum: It might come in handy is all I’m saying.
Magnum: Wait, I think I heard something.
MacGyver: Yeah, it’s getting closer, isn’t it? Sounds like a thousand rusty gates mounted to a herd of buffalo.
Magnum: This is probably not good. We better ARM ourselves.
MacGyver: Holy shit. Seriously? Seriously?
Magnum: Oh fuck, Mac, we’re so screwed!
MacGyver: It’s Missile Time.
MacGyver uses the Save the Manatee matchbook to light a cartoonish fuse on the side of the missile, then hurls it at the attacking manatees. The force of his throw cleaves the lead manatee clean in two, and then the missile detonates, creating a miniature black hole that starts to suck the rest of the manatees in, but not before they fire off a radial shrapnel bomb.
Magnum: RUN AWAY!
MacGyver stands his ground as Magnum flees, staring into the heart of the wormhole that has opened in front of him. His face is bloodied from the shrapnel, but he remains undaunted, watching through narrowed eyes as the opening in space/time begins to shift and transform, looking more and more like a reflecting pool turned on its side. Not long after, a man steps through.
O’Neill: Anything look familiar?
MacGyver: I don’t know…should it?
O’Neill: I’m you. From the future.
MacGyver: Well, that’s good. That means I’m not going to die, right?
O’Neill: Not necessarily. I mean, I’m not really you per se, but a character played by the same actor as you.
MacGyver: I’m sorry, what?
O’Neill: I fucked your mom.
MacGyver: That is just stupid. If you’re really from the future, then tell me if we avenge Pete and Higgins!
O’Neill: I can’t. The Ancients won’t let me interfere in your dumb timeline. But I can tell you this, the Royals never win another World Series.
O’Neill: All right. Well, I gotta go enter Carter’s event horizon, if you know what I mean.
MacGyver: I really don’t.
O’Neill: You will. See ya, man. Miss the hair.
O’Neill steps back into the wormhole and both vanish soon after. MacGyver stands there for a moment before wiping the blood off his face and turning to find Magnum, who has somehow found a group of possibly-underage girls.
Magnum: And that’s when the manatees charged. Now, I know what you’re thinking. And you’re wrong. I saved every one of those manatees. Most of them wanted to kill me. Grind my bones to make their mana-tea, or something. But I love peace. And manatees even more than that. So I pulled each manatee into a tender embrace and whispered in their ears: “It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be all right. I’m going to save you.” And they wept mana-tears and ascended into heaven like gloriously ugly angels.
One particularly attractive young “woman” stands up, tears off her clothes, and screams “Take me now! Take me in front of everyone!”
MacGyver: The killer isn’t here, Magnum. Let’s roll.
Magnum: Awwww, can’t we stay just a little while longer?
The rest of the girls rip off their clothes and gaze seductively at Magnum and MacGyver.
MacGyver: Yes, yes, I suppose we can.
THREE DAYS LATER
Magnum: Well, that was lovely, girls! Tell your mothers I said hello!
MacGyver: God I feel terrible. Well, not terrible, because that was pretty amazing, but still. I’m old enough to be all those girls’ father.
Magnum: As much as I’ve slept around in this town, odds are I AM all those girls’ father.
MacGyver vomits uncontrollably.
Magnum: Oh, and I told you that henchman arm would be useful!
MacGyver pauses, glares hatefully at Magnum, then continues to vomit.
Magnum: But I feel like we’re not any closer to finding Pete and Higgins’ killer. You know, the sexy fairy lady who commands hordes of killer manatees. I feel like we’re not any closer to that.
MacGyver: We could always follow that sign.
Magnum: I feel like that almost has to be a trap.
MacGyver: For once, I am forced to agree with you.
Magnum: Ah! Well, that is reassuring.
MacGyver: I don’t know. What do you think, Admiral Ackbar?
MacGyver: Wow. Okay, I’m convinced.
Magnum: Let’s boogie.