“What in god’s name do you want, Tom?! I’m trying to jerk off to pictures of a young Teri Hatcher in here!”
“They’ve brutally murdered our friends, man! Pete and Higgins are dead!”
“The killers are getting away! Our only hope for justice…or vengeance…is to join forces!”
“…let me just get my mullet and my missile…”
Magnum: Just out of curiosity, why do you have a missile?
MacGyver: Because I don’t believe in using guns.
Magnum: Ah. Gotcha.
MacGyver: Now, where can we go to wreak justivenge on our friends’ murderers?
Magnum: All the clues I managed to gather from the incredibly gorgeous blonde I “interviewed” led to a seedy bar on the edge of town called “The Antelope’s Asshole.”
MacGyver: The Antelope’s Asshole? Man, those are popping up all over the place.
Magnum: I know man, fucking chains…
MacGyver: Should we take my Jeep or your Ferrari?
Magnum: Let’s see…seedy bar, edge of town, swarming with potential villains, you’re armed with a missile…hmmm…
SIX HOURS LATER
MacGyver: I can’t believe you insisted we ride bicycles all the way here.
Magnum: I can’t believe you built two bicycles out of a JC Penney catalog, a handful of chicken bones, and four stolen hubcaps in less than 20 minutes!
MacGyver: Quiet! I think I hear our murderers talking about how they murder people…
“Sos yeahs that’s when I murdered dem in da face wit’ my murderin’ gun!”
Magnum: Poor Higgins…he loved that stupid face he had…
MacGyver: Quiet! I think I hear our murderers’ boss talking about how she ordered them to murder people…
“You idiots shut up up about murdering before someone overhears you and thwarts all my brilliant plans for more murders!”
Magnum: Whoa…is that a chick? She sounds hot. Check this out, Mac…I’m gonna totally score her number…
MacGyver: Magnum, no!
Magnum: Hey lady, I overheard all your brilliant plans out there and couldn’t help but think that maybe you and I could talk about them over sex at my mansion on the Hawaiian coast…
Magnum: Hey, no need for that! I know you’re probably sensitive about those weird fairy wings you’ve got on, but I kinda dig them…
Bullets begin whizzing past Magnum as the mysterious woman makes her getaway, with more than twenty henchmen covering her. In slow motion, Magnum produces a single Colt 1911 pistol, takes careful aim, and instantly kills all the henchmen with a single shot. Magnum remains completely untouched.
Magnum: Vengeance is a dish best served…um…it’s a dish of…let’s see…maybe it’s like a box of chocolates? Fuck. Mac! How does that saying go?
MacGyver: What the hell are you talki…holy crap! You killed all of them?
Magnum: I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right. I did kill all of them.
MacGyver: I…didn’t think that. I said it.
Magnum: *pockets his pistol* Oh. Well, anyway, I think I may have found a clue as to where our mysterious, gorgeous, busty, leggy, blonde, flying fairy killer might have fluttered off to.
MacGyver: Oh no, not a matchbook…
Magnum: Fuck yeah, it’s a matchbook! The ultimate detective cliché! These things are beautiful, man. They reduce an entire week’s worth of painstaking, agonizing, boring-as-hell work into a single, simple-to-follow directive. Plus, there’s matches.
MacGyver: *takes the matchbook* Yeah, I guess matchbooks have gotten me out of more than a couple jams in my life. Not as many as paperclips, mind you. Still, it seems so cheap. Not to mention ridiculous. Why would “Save the Manatee” need matchbooks?
Magnum: Dude. Lighting up joints.
MacGyver: Ah yes, good point. Okay, so where is the nearest chapter of “Save the Manatee”?
Magnum: How should I know? It’s not like there’s some magical, wireless device you can carry around in your pocket that lets you search for whatever information you need at any time. *stares meaningfully into the camera*
MacGyver: Actually, beings that it is 2012, there is. It’s called an iPhone. It’s like an electronic Swiss Army Knife. And according to Google Maps, the international headquarters is on 75th Street.
Magnum: Wow, you even have a Swiss Army Knife case for your iPhone. That’s…well…that’s kinda gay.
MacGyver: Shut up! Just for that, we’re taking your Ferrari this time.
30 MINUTES LATER
Magnum: Well, here it is. It’s bound to get pretty hairy in there, Mac. It’s a good thing you’re still carrying around that missile.
MacGyver: It’s actually very heavy.
Magnum: I just want you to know that if things go sideways in there, if you – or more importantly – I were to die, I can’t imagine a better partner at my side. Well, aside from one with big breasts and a nice, tight little…
MacGyver: Can’t we just get on with this?
Magnum: Shit, man. Lighten up. You’re acting like your best friend died or something…
Magnum: Oh. Right.
MacGyver: Come on, asshole. We’ve got bad guys to kill and a building to more than likely blow up then dramatically dive away from at the last possible second…