Dear Mr. Gropesflurry,
Independent hospitals such as St. Luke’s Terminal Cancer Inflatable Bouncy Castle require a hardworking, organized administrative staff to ensure that the patients are well cared for, bathed, groomed, fluffed, and rotated on a semi-regular basis. My administrative experience, organizational skills, and my near-constant need to bathe in human blood would help contribute to the long history of St. Luke’s Terminal Cancer Inflatable Bouncy Castle.
I have extensive administrative experience in an oppressive, almost Draconian setting. For the past two years I have worked with this dumb bitch Rhonda who constantly told me what to do and lorded over me just because she had exactly 12 seconds of seniority. This is not to say I do not work well with others. In fact, I built numerous productive, rewarding, and incredibly erotic relationships with the patients at the Carl’s Jr. Coma Ward, many of which continue to this day. Needless to say, Rhonda was pretty jealous of that. She was also jealous of my ability to label and maintain blood samples bare-handed and blindfolded, take urine samples without wasting valuable cups, finding creative and decorative uses for spent syringes, latex gloves, and enema kits, and finding little ways each day to let everyone know what a petty little twat Rhonda really is.
I have attached my resume, a lock of my hair, and a pair of soiled panties, and would love to speak with you regarding how I could make a significant contribution to St. Luke’s Terminal Cancer Inflatable Bouncy Castle’s daily operations. I will call you within the next five minutes to discuss arranging an interview, and every one minute thereafter until you relent and hire me. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Dandelion Q. Estuary
DANDELION Q. ESTUARY
1645 North Bisquik Road – Kansas City, Illinois 64146
Telephone: 555-555-5555 – Fax: 555-555-5555 – Social Security: 555-555-5555
To become the first woman to visit outer space.
Assistant to the Coma Patient Poker, Carl’s Jr. Coma Ward
May 2010-April 2012
- Poked coma patients
- Increased poking by 38%
- Installed and operated dozens of webcams and became familiar with multiple editing programs as well as learned to effectively mask IP addresses
- Put up with a dumb bitch named Rhonda who was a dumb bitch and I hated her
- Drew, tasted, and juggled blood and urine samples
Inmate, Happy Farms – Black Wing
January 2007-March 2010
Existed in a nightmarish fog where every motherfucker was out to get me and the damn lampposts would NOT stop tapping out that goddamned French-Canadian song about plucking a bird’s feathers. Plucking a bird’s feathers. Plucking a bird’s feathers. Plucking a bird’s feathers. Plucking a bird’s feathers. Plucking a bird’s feathers. Why won’t mother pick me up from school? Why? Why won’t she pick me up? Did I do something wrong? Is it because I got my dress all muddy? Is it because her and daddy don’t make loud noises at night anymore? What did I do, mommy? Why aren’t you here? Plucking a bird’s feathers. Plucking a bird’s feathers.
Superhero, Gotham City
September 2006-January 2007
- Wore a skin-tight spandex outfit, high heels, a domino mask, and a stylish cape
- Fought criminals using innate martial arts skills and undeniable sex appeal
- Helped found and administer an elite team of superhumans
- Came back to life
- Went insane and destroyed half the planet
Masters in Financial Deregulation – 2004
University of California, Santa Cruz
GPA: 4.78 out of 4
Attended “You Can Be Really Awesome” Motivational Seminar – 2000
- Voted “Most Likely to Die Alone” by Vibe Magazine
- Got breasts signed by Lindsey Buckingham and Bill Hader
- Experienced a sunrise
- Won a hand of poker that one time