My Day As A Real Estate Agent
Me: “All right, here we are! I hope you guys are ready to be dazzled!”
Wife: “Oh wow, it’s beautiful! What kind of architecture is that?”
Me: “It’s Pre-Colonial.”
Husband: ” ‘Pre-Colonial’? What is ‘Pre-Colonial’?”
Me: “It was built before the Colonial Era.”
Husband: “That doesn’t make any sense. Who built it?”
Me: “The Anasazi.”
Husband: “There weren’t any Anasazi around here…”
Me: “Of course there were. Should we start the tour?”
Wife: “Yes, please! I really want to see the inside.”
Me: “Okay, this is an 87-bedroom, 117-bath, 915-closet, 411-garage, 17 million square foot home. It includes an indoor pool, arboretum, shipyard, and cattle ranch. One notable feature is the single, unbroken hallway that connects every single room.”
Husband: “I’m sorry…what? The house cannot possibly be that big…”
Me: “Are you familiar with pocket dimensions?”
Husband: “I can’t say that I am…”
Me: “The Olmec who built this were quite good at building pocket dimensions out of bay leaves and rabbit fur.”
Husband: “But you just said that the Anasaz…”
Wife: “Oh my, this is lovely! What is it?”
Me: “That is an interpretive painting of me giving birth to the universe. I gave a bum on the street 25 cents to paint it with his own feces. Please don’t touch it. I think he may have had tuberculosis.”
Husband: “What kind of sick…”
Wife: “Honey! It’s art. And it’s beautiful. Will this come with the house?”
Me: “Absolutely. Nothing can be removed from the house once it has crossed the threshold without being instantly vaporized. The good news is that you’ll never have to pay a garbage or sewer bill.”
Husband: “That is absolutely insane. What about people?”
Me: “No one has ever been vaporized that I’m aware of. But 600 people were killed in the Glitter Room back in 1893.”
Wife: “Ooh, the Glitter Room?”
Me: “The name is misleading. It’s actually filled with 600 dead people from 1893. And none of them have any glitter.”
Wife: “Oh my. But at least it’s historical! You like history, sweetie!”
Husband: “I don’t like 600 corpses in my house!”
Me: “Oh, don’t worry about them. The room only materializes when Halley’s Comet is visible, and that won’t be until 2061.”
Husband: “That’s reassuring. Jesus Christ, man…what kind of crazy shit are you talking about here? Honey, let’s go before we’re vaporized or trapped in a pocket dimension or something…”
Wife: “But we haven’t even seen the bathrooms!”
Husband: “Oh for God’s sake…which of the 87 bathrooms is closest?”
Me: “Ah, you’re in luck. It’s just three doors down and comes equipped with an overhead sink!”
Husband: “What exactly is an overh…”
Me: “Here it is!”
Wife: “It’s gorgeous! Look at all the intricate tile work! And the bath is huge! I love it!”
Husband: “So that’s an overhead sink. I’m looking right at it, and I still don’t know what the fuck it is.”
Me: “Just wait until you see the overhead toilet!”
Husband: “…”
Wife: “Come on, dear. This is easily the best place we’ve looked at so far.”
Husband: “THIS IS THE FIRST PLACE WE’VE LOOKED AT”
Me: “Sir, I think I have just the thing to get you warmed up to the place, The Lesbian Sex Orgy Room.”
Wife: “…”
Husband: “Now we’re talking! Let me in there!”
Me: “Sir, wait, I wouldn’t…oh…oh dear…”
Wife: “…”
Me: “I’m sorry, Miss. I should have warned him before he just ran in there…”
Wife: “So I take it that The Lesbian Sex Orgy Room turns people into incredibly hot, nymphomaniac lesbians…”
Me: “Well, just men, but yes.”
Wife: *sighs* “At least he seems happy.”
Me: “He does at that.”
Wife: “How much is the house?”
Me: “37 cents.”
Wife: “Do you take Visa?”
Me: “I do today!”