My Day As A Real Estate Agent
Me: “All right, here we are! I hope you guys are ready to be dazzled!”
Wife: “Oh wow, it’s beautiful! What kind of architecture is that?”
Me: “It’s Pre-Colonial.”
Husband: ” ‘Pre-Colonial’? What is ‘Pre-Colonial’?”
Me: “It was built before the Colonial Era.”
Husband: “That doesn’t make any sense. Who built it?”
Me: “The Anasazi.”
Husband: “There weren’t any Anasazi around here…”
Me: “Of course there were. Should we start the tour?”
Wife: “Yes, please! I really want to see the inside.”
Me: “Okay, this is an 87-bedroom, 117-bath, 915-closet, 411-garage, 17 million square foot home. It includes an indoor pool, arboretum, shipyard, and cattle ranch. One notable feature is the single, unbroken hallway that connects every single room.”
It hungers for your soul. And for bacon bits, but mostly your soul.
Husband: “I’m sorry…what? The house cannot possibly be that big…”
Me: “Are you familiar with pocket dimensions?”
Husband: “I can’t say that I am…”
Me: “The Olmec who built this were quite good at building pocket dimensions out of bay leaves and rabbit fur.”
Husband: “But you just said that the Anasaz…”
Wife: “Oh my, this is lovely! What is it?”
Me: “That is an interpretive painting of me giving birth to the universe. I gave a bum on the street 25 cents to paint it with his own feces. Please don’t touch it. I think he may have had tuberculosis.”
Husband: “What kind of sick…”
Wife: “Honey! It’s art. And it’s beautiful. Will this come with the house?”
Me: “Absolutely. Nothing can be removed from the house once it has crossed the threshold without being instantly vaporized. The good news is that you’ll never have to pay a garbage or sewer bill.”
Husband: “That is absolutely insane. What about people?”
Me: “No one has ever been vaporized that I’m aware of. But 600 people were killed in the Glitter Room back in 1893.”
Wife: “Ooh, the Glitter Room?”
Me: “The name is misleading. It’s actually filled with 600 dead people from 1893. And none of them have any glitter.”
Wife: “Oh my. But at least it’s historical! You like history, sweetie!”
Husband: “I don’t like 600 corpses in my house!”
Me: “Oh, don’t worry about them. The room only materializes when Halley’s Comet is visible, and that won’t be until 2061.”
Husband: “That’s reassuring. Jesus Christ, man…what kind of crazy shit are you talking about here? Honey, let’s go before we’re vaporized or trapped in a pocket dimension or something…”
Wife: “But we haven’t even seen the bathrooms!”
Husband: “Oh for God’s sake…which of the 87 bathrooms is closest?”
Me: “Ah, you’re in luck. It’s just three doors down and comes equipped with an overhead sink!”
Husband: “What exactly is an overh…”
You want me on that wall. You NEED me on that wall!
Me: “Here it is!”
Wife: “It’s gorgeous! Look at all the intricate tile work! And the bath is huge! I love it!”
Husband: “So that’s an overhead sink. I’m looking right at it, and I still don’t know what the fuck it is.”
Me: “Just wait until you see the overhead toilet!”
Husband: “…”
Wife: “Come on, dear. This is easily the best place we’ve looked at so far.”
Husband: “THIS IS THE FIRST PLACE WE’VE LOOKED AT”
Me: “Sir, I think I have just the thing to get you warmed up to the place, The Lesbian Sex Orgy Room.”
Wife: “…”
Husband: “Now we’re talking! Let me in there!”
Me: “Sir, wait, I wouldn’t…oh…oh dear…”
Wife: “…”
Me: “I’m sorry, Miss. I should have warned him before he just ran in there…”
Wife: “So I take it that The Lesbian Sex Orgy Room turns people into incredibly hot, nymphomaniac lesbians…”
Me: “Well, just men, but yes.”
Wife: *sighs* “At least he seems happy.”
Me: “He does at that.”
Wife: “How much is the house?”
Me: “37 cents.”
Wife: “Do you take Visa?”
Me: “I do today!”
A rare example of a multiple choice test in essay form.
Rhoades to Madness 