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Baltimore Avenue

Mega Class 12 Actuary Force Squad-Z IV: Requiem of Sonata's End

Butts.

Simply put, Mega Class 12 Actuary Force Squad-Z IV: Requiem of Sonata’s End is not only the best video game ever made, but also the best snowplow as well. Made exclusively for the PlayStation Crab, it is likely the first game on the system to take full advantage of the claw-controls and the Dual-Pinch technology. The 3.7-bit graphics are the most detailed images I have ever felt, or had touch me in a very inappropriate way. And once Mega Class 12 Actuary Force Squad-Z IV begins touching you in a very inappropriate way, it will not stop. And you will not want it to. No, you will want to make babies with Mega Class 12 Actuary Force Squad-Z IV: Requiem of Sonata’s End, and that will happen in spades.

The story of Mega Class 12 Actuary Force Squad-Z IV: Requiem of Sonata’s End is deceptively simple. To avoid taking a test on the morality of breathing argon in a sub-liquid environment, the 21-year-old heroine Cockstar Flaimheim escapes her kindergarten class and builds a 10-story-tall mechafreakazoid out of canned peaches and 30,000 DVD copies of My Life In Ruins. Piloting her mechafreakazoid into the very CORE of our sun, Cockstar is stunned to learn that she is, in fact, the latest pilot in Mega Class 12 Actuary Force Squad-Z. Following this 630-minute cutscene is an intense 10 seconds of gaming wherein you learn to steer the mechafreakazoid into a wall. The controls are tight. Like, tight, yo.

Upon completion of this heretofore unheard-of feat, every previous member of Mega Class 12 Actuary Force Squad-Z scrambles out of their techno-caves and declares Cockstar their new leader, strips her naked, and then begin introducing themselves as they brutally sodomize her as a sign of respect. There’s brave and tender Zoloftia, hideously deformed but generous Jamtits, intelligent but incredibly racist Turgidova, fragrant and deceitful Vulvaslap, kittenish yet robotic 649-Twelve, and the legendary former leader of Mega Class 12 Actuary Force Squad-A…CRACKSTARTHRUSTWARPER.

Then there are several exciting levels of putting smaller cubes into larger cubes. At one point, you are even led to believe that you must somehow put a larger cube into a smaller cube, but 649-Twelve laughs and says that it was only kidding, and then brutally sodomizes Cockstar as a sign of camaraderie. This makes the cube-placing more challenging, as you must now navigate the completely empty room with no enemies whatsoever all while being brutally sodomized by a 7-foot-tall cat-robot.

And then something incredible happens, but I fell asleep and the PSCrab ate my eyeball, so I don’t know what.

When you reach level 371, however, you gain access to the Destructolever, which allows you to distribute your accumulated points into several different areas which let you to function as various members of the city council and attend re-zoning meetings. This is different from Mega Class 12 Actuary Force Squad-Z III: Macht Zlieben Un Portado, where the computer automatically attended the meetings for you and then bulldozed your house when the resultant ordinance was misfiled under Section 82-B. So, obviously, a vast improvement and a very welcome change that makes you feel like you are a part of the process even though you spend most of your time being brutally sodomized as a means of casting votes.

A screenshot from Mega Class 12 Actuary Force Squad-Z IV: Requiem of Sonata's End

This is one of the incredibly rendered cutscenes that you can expect to watch 149 hours of.

This all leads up, or possibly down, to the massive space throwdown with Cowboy Fik and his band of marauding Chik-Filets. CRACKSTARTHRUSTWARPER is completely vaporized almost instantly, but manages to hang on long enough to whisper a set of detailed instructions, thoroughly explain the mechafreakazoid’s proprietary C.L.I.T.S.T.O.R.M. technology, teach Cockstar how to read and go potty all by herself, deliver a stirringly inspirational monologue, and then brutally sodomize everyone to show that he will watch over them from The Great Beyond.

Tears streaming from her dinner-plate-sized eyes, Cockstar climbs into her mechafreakazoid, grabs her Electrified ToeSaber, and utters the words any fan of Mega Class 12 Actuary Force Squad-Z waits to hear: “Let’s give everyone babies inside them forever yes!”

The climactic battle in Mega Class 12 Actuary Force Squad-Z IV: Requiem of Sonata’s End is played out by pressing the X-button several times, waiting, adjusting the Dual-Pinch, waiting, pressing the Q-button until a red dot appears on the screen, waiting, then activating your seventh axis with the F10 key while very slowly rotating both the left, right, up, down, and underneath sticks in multi-clockwise fashions using only your nostrils.

I will not spoil the multiple endings of Mega Class 12 Actuary Force Squad-Z IV: Requiem of Sonata’s End, but everyone does die.

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