Wornall Road

This will come as quite a shock to you.


That being said, everything is hunky-dory.


And so, the end of our tale. Thank you for watching, fair listener, and may your day be as pleasant as it is pleasant. May your life stretch on in a series of carefully orchestrated vignettes and 1980s training montages with upbeat deth-techno-pop-blitz-grindcore WAILING on saxophone. And I mean WAILING. I don’t capitalize unless I MEAN that shit. YEAH. Suck on THAT, Nikola Tesla!

Nikola TeslaTesla: “What? What did I ever do to you?”

You built a death ray, and it seared my steak to perfection, that’s what.

Tesla: “But I love you! My love for you is as the stars are like…bees?”

You are horrible at everything. You’re not even any good at living. Edison was right about you. You’re nothing but a low-down, mangy, irresponsible, ostrich-lovin’, Jetta-drivin’ coon-hound.

Tesla: “I’m an important man! I was the voice of Black Vulcan in the Super Friends! I invented Al Gore! I built the world’s first gravy-fueled catapult launcher! I killed Pat Sajak in a no-holds-barred thumb-wrestling match and had him replaced by Vanna White’s reverse-twin brother, Tanna! I LIVE MY LIFE IN GLORIOUS TECHNICOLOR WHY GOD WHY ARE YOU SO CRUEL TO ME I JUST WANT TO BE CARESSED GENTLY AND TOLD THAT I AM A PUPPY”

But you’re not a puppy. You’re a hideous and grotesque success. You’re a retarded genius, a sane man with delusions of psychopathy. You are disgustingly handsome and your rock-hard abs are the envy of no one. You may have built the planet’s rotational axis out of MacGyver’s mullet, but you can’t carry a tune.

Katy Perry

She killed your parents so that you could become Batman. So stop crying, you selfish ass.

Tesla: “I’m actually Katy Perry!”

Oh, well that’s different then. Not getting back together with Russell, then? No hope of reconciliation? None?

Perry: “Nah. He was actually Nikola Tesla, and that dude’s a fucking space loser. From space.”

Baby, you’re a firework.

Perry: “I get that a lot.”

No, you really are a firework. I have been surreptitiously stuffing you with aluminum, carbon, barium, copper, cesium, and magnesium, and now I have lit you on fire.

Perry: “Like I said, I get that a lot.”

Goddamn, the future’s so bright, I gotta wear shades.

Perry: “Book ’em, Danno.”


This is what happens when the universe makes love to your face. SAVOR IT.

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