Valentine’s Day is less than a month away, a fact I was pleasantly reminded of when this lovely fax came in at work last night:
Clearly, not the most professionally-scripted message in the history of unsolicited faxes, but at least the enthusiasm comes through. At least, I think that’s what the startling exclamation point-to-sentence ratio indicates. And hey, it did the job it was meant to do. They got me thinking about Valentine’s Day, they got me thinking about their company (no small feat, since I’d never heard of it before), and now I am anticipating the no-doubt darling products they have designed for the holiday. So let’s see what Schmidt & Klaus have to offer…
Oh well isn’t that just the swee…wait…what the living fuck?
I shouldn’t have to tell you that Valentine’s Day and knives go together like Lamborghinis and concrete walls, so why didn’t anyone tell the misguided souls at Schmidt & Klaus that? Are they actually under some delusion that the knife is some traditional Valentine’s Day gift dating back to when St. Valentine himself presented his most cherished dagger into the trembling fingers of his grateful beloved, and then proceeded to impale her with a dagger of a more metaphorical sort? (Wait, saints can’t engage in metaphorical impaling, can they? They just tend to get literally impaled. I’ll never understand why there are so many saints. It sounds like the worst job ever.)
But maybe – and this is probably giving Schmidt & Klaus too much credit – this is all tongue-in-cheek. Maybe they know as well as we do that commercialized love and sharpened steel are a bad mix. And so the seven exclamation points are really just a wink and a wry smile, and that they really don’t expect anyone to buy brightly-colored knives for their loved ones, especially not at $11.50, because that’s pretty outrageous for a Swiss Army knife that doesn’t even have so much as a bottle-opener.
Either way, I feel that Schmidt & Claus could use some help in their advertising schemes, so here’s a little something I whipped up just now that will really help them drive their point home.
They will no doubt thank me later.